If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.