If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
That’s incredible! 👌
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me