If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions