Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barbara was highly relatable

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

reduce, reuse, recycle

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS