If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes