If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
So Hamburger help me, God
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related