Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

God has abandoned us.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

S O O N

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone