If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I came this close!!!!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved