If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I need this for my side hustle.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
The symmetry is uncanny.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Where is your GOD now????
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.