If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless