If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
