If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
You Might Also Like
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.