Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.