Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
how much for the angry fruit?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
opening twitter today
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.