If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
You Might Also Like
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
No.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
A short story about romance.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does