Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

New skill unlocked

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

British people

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon