If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

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She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

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3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

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Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…


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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”


Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.


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Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct


Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals