@OCDelight21

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

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@BertCarrillo

Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@Kids_kubed

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

@squirrel74wkgn

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

@PetePsquared

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

@Rollmaninoz

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

@ronnui_

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals