If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

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Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.


All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.


How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists


waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared


Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall


My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”



If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years


Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]