If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget