Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

My sex drive has a dui

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.