Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.