Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

👽

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.