“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
こいつ天才
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My blood type is b hungry.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.