Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?