Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Favourite diary entry ever

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.