Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

*cough*

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.