if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’d use my best pan on you.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.