if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
twitter is a journey
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.