@huntigula

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

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@WouldbeAllen

Midwife: It’s a boy, ma’am.

Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward’s a nice name, isn’t it, dear?

Dickens: LET’S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER

@_ElvishPresley_

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

@KeetPotato

therapist: “remember there are no stupid questions”
wife: “okay”
therapist: “keith you start”
me: “do sharks ever need to have a bath?”

@CooIStepDad

[zoo]

“This is the bear kids”

Wow I want his arms

“What? You cant ha..”

*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*

“Bring him the arms smh”

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

@LittleMissAngr1

I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@noog

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

@RainbowJohnJ

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@bea_ker

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone