if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.