Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

finally found a reasonable question

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me