Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her