Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

sliding into dms like

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?