If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Order here:
More here:
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad