me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge