If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.