Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Which wines pair best with gloating?

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

My love language is deader than Latin

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.