Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!