Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

ㅤ

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Love is always patient and kind.