“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
You got this…
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.