Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

the rocks need my help

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.