Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

new year update: losing everything but weight

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

well this is just bullshirt

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?