Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Just this preview of the story is enough

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

#Caturday

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.