Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Every photo I’m tagged in

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this