Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”