Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point