Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Every photo I’m tagged in

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

My neck my back my allergy attack

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.