“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.