If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
never forget
