If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
new year update: losing everything but weight
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.