if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”