if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You were the one.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Proctology is located in A55
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”