If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket