If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work