Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Does beer think about me too?

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.