If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————