Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?