Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup