If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
