If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
That earthquake could have been an email.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
yeah 😭
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.