If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Eating for two.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
same vibe as tangled headphones
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.