If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
This line from Airplane.
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?