Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

those birds must be on payroll

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?