Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

cats when you pet them too long:

What a year we’ve had this week.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.