If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
You Might Also Like
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*