If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood