If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
couldn’t resist
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.