Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?