Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartman: Respect my
a a

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

🙅🏻

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends