Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

My dog ate my work from home.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Breaking news:

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?