Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake