if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic