Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.