if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.