If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Yeah. This was me today.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sing it!
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?