Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.